One of the essentials in this life that it seems we can’t live without is love.
Yet, in all my work with couples I sometimes wonder…do we truly know what it means to love?
There is a difference between love from the soul and love from the ego and not that one is better but after you’ve had a taste of the latter nothing else quite feels the same. It’s the kind of love that says please, but doesn’t ask for anything more than for us to love our own selves more deeply.
When we love from our ego we have an end game, we want something in particular from the one that we love whether it’s a ring or a title. We are still striving for some outside currency of love.
But when we love from our souls we love simply because there is no other option. We may hope for a commitment; for a sweet forever but we don’t love to achieve it. We love simply for the way that it feels.
Unfortunately somewhere along the way we’ve been spoon-fed into thinking that the point of love is to end up with a diamond (the bigger the better, right?) on our finger, a white dress, a house and a couple of kids and boom, not only are we adults but we are guaranteed happiness, right?
Well…things don’t always go as planned, and someone else’s life’s plans never really fit.
I suppose the idea for this piece began when I was cruising Facebook late at while unable to sleep and there was an ad for a program on how to get even a EUC (that’s women code for emotionally unavailable men) to propose. And it got me thinking, one I actually felt bad for these dudes who’s women were buying a program in order to get them to say I do, but I also began to wonder since when is that truly love?
Sometimes all it seems we have to do is just look around at our society and we see a whole culture built on the showy festive extravaganza of weddings, but while they are beautiful, somewhere in the back of my mind is that sentiment are we after a marriage, or a wedding.
For me it’s once again the latter; a wedding or commitment ceremony of any sort is only the threshold to cross to get to marriage, not the actual object of desire unto itself. To each their own in this world, but it seems that if we love expecting it to lead anywhere, then in reality aren’t we just setting ourselves up for disappointment?
The point of love is simply to love.
Too simple right? Actually no. I’m not downplaying the whole ring and dress thing and while I’m not lining up to go try on dresses and I actually didn’t even know my ring size until a friend inquired, I would still get married.
What I am questioning is the motives, or rather the why behind the ring and the vows.
Are we committing ourselves to someone that helps us become our best possible selves? Is it someone who looks good next to us for the lives we think we should live? Or do we just not want to be the last single girl still playing on Tinder and hoping to somehow find the love of our lives?
This real love business ain’t easy though because to love anyone whether it’s our children, family or even lover it means we have to put their wellbeing and happiness above our own-yet this isn’t the same as being a martyr. What this does say though is the direction your life is leading you is more important than where I think you should be and because I love you I will stand by and support the decisions that help you become a better you.
Sound made up? Not real? Some fictitious new age crap?
Well it’s in fact very real, the thing is seems our society as a whole has just lost the art of loving for love’s sake. It’s about letting someone be who they truly are and not only meeting them there but also encouraging them to find themselves-for themselves. Not for us, not for our desires or wants, but because we hope to lead them closer to their own souls.
To love without an end game also means in fact that the love has no end.
Maybe we will end up with a band on our finger and adding his last name to ours-or maybe not.
Maybe we will slip through life together exploring this world and wearing our experiences like jewels on our necks, maybe our love will mean more because we’re letting it speak for itself.
But how many of us go into love saying that it doesn’t matter where the relationship goes so long as we get to love the person we’re with? Instead it seems we’re always talking about the end game, what is the point of the relationship and of course the infamous where do you see this going?
Commitment is amazing; to be hitched to your best friend who supports you but makes you laugh and can care for you all while giving you unconditional love, I mean come on, who wouldn’t want that?
But why do we go in aiming for it? Why do we expect it?
The point of love is simply to love, not only ourselves, but our partners and our respective journeys. It’s about giving up the idea of an end game and making the choice to live brilliantly in the wonderment of who the fuck knows what this life will bring, but I want to spend as much time as I can loving you kind of feeling.
It’s about letting the love be love, because the thing is it seems to speak pretty loudly for itself.