I wasn’t sure if I believed in forever, or maybe it was just that I didn’t want to.
When I was young and hopeful, a wispy blonde who spoke only of idealistic love I believed in happily ever after. Whether it’s because I lacked a strong male role model as a young child or just that I existed alone in my own world for so long, I always yearned to be rescued.
Of course I didn’t always have the awareness to know that, or even the courage to say it but this funny thing happens as you get older when you don’t really give a fuck anymore and just want to live a life in truth.
So, I sought not a love but someone to rescue me. It’s ironic though what they say about make sure the person who catches you is strong enough to do so, and so I thought I was being saved but all along I was trying to save.
But still I breathed happily ever after because mostly more than anything I wanted to believe that someone could love me forever and stay where others had only left.
Sometimes though life just does not go according to our plan and happiness was fleeting. Yet, while there were moments that made my lips turn up and mind feel good, it was never that deep soulful satisfaction of an all-encompassing love that I still longed for.
And that type of feeling remained elusive, until I met you.
Life and well, God for that matter has a pretty good sense of humor so it’s no surprise that the person I thought was all wrong for me ended up fitting into even those most complicated aspects of my soul. It wasn’t a love that I ever wanted, it wasn’t a life that I had dreamed of but all along it was you that I needed, I just never knew it until I felt the world slowdown in your embrace.
Once again forever started to knock on my heart, and it seemed no matter how I tried to keep it out or ignore it, what is meant for us will always keep coming until we let it in.
It took what felt like forever to let these beautiful rose entrained walls down for you, to show you the secret paths of my heart and reveal the most intimate aspects of my soul to you-but it wasn’t just me. It was you too, and our spirits danced together, or maybe more importantly they held one another and I almost thought it was this love that would finally heal all of our wounds that we have carried around since we were children.
Of not ever really having been loved unconditionally, or not being good enough or deserving of happiness of love, of not living up to another’s expectations or freeing ourselves to be ourselves. Regardless of specifics I believed that it was our love that would ultimately transmute all of this and together we would rise into our best possible selves.
I had thought that maybe our connection and love was strong enough so that we would both give up the limiting beliefs of who we had been; the struggles, the darkness, the weaknesses and temptations. At one point it seemed that what we shared together was enough for both of us and that because of who we were together, we provided something no one else could which would make it easy then to not only choose one another each day but also know the value we held for the other.
And for a while it seemed we were doing it. We were beating the odds and most importantly we were proving everyone else wrong not only about what love was, but what we were capable of.
I have never been happier than the time that you gave me when it felt like everything was finally coming together. When you were here along with your soul, when my heart felt satisfied, seen and you welcomed my love with open arms. We were making plans for adventures and spending quiet nights in cuddling under ancient quilts all the while forgetting the rest of the world.
It felt like the love I had only hoped to find in this lifetime was not only knocking but wrapped around me keeping me safe.
But more than the moments, we were investing in one another and in our futures. We were building together, starting from the ground up not knowing where it would end but knowing that somehow together we were better.
It wasn’t just that we helped one another become our best possible selves but like a complicated formula for chemistry together we just brought out the best in one another, or so I thought. I suppose there is a point we all have to come to when we realize that sometimes two people really want two separate things. And it’s not bad, or wrong, but sometimes two people really do end up on opposite sides of a ravine with no bridge in sight.
Even if at one point it felt like we were so close nothing in this world could separate us.
But perhaps forever wasn’t meant to last until our last breath although I know I will love you until then, and so even though I have had visions of you graying and still kissing you with the honesty that I would under the new moon I see now that I am the greatest adventure you could just never actually take.
I don’t know what comes next, but I do know that if we can let someone truly go then the time together meant nothing. If we actually can look at someone’s soul and know theirs and ours are built from the same star but refuse to choose them in this life then did any of it matter?
There is no safety net for this life and there are no guarantees. But that’s also not the way life is supposed to go. Maybe at one point I only made this worse because I didn’t know what I wanted, or even what I could handle as far as intimacy goes.
But now my love, I want it all.
I want to take care of you when you’re sick, showering with you after a long day, travel the world learning peoples stories and making the world a better place. I want to kiss you at dawn on every continent, and sleep with you under the stars of skies we’ve only dreamt of. Holidays and traditions we could make our own together, and create a thousand and one memories every single day of this beautiful life.
Yet the reality is, this is what I want but I can’t speak for both of us.
So the option is left to you, for whatever you want or however you picture this life of yours, we can have forever, or only a few minutes.
But maybe in the end it will be the same.