Love has a way of unraveling even the best laid plans.
Within the midnight lust of early Spring I tenderly touch the soft skin of my stomach feeling the knots of anxiety that arise whenever I feel myself stopping to wonder why; Why this life, this path, this journey. Of all the dreams I’ve ever had, you by far are the one I never planned for. Not only that, but it was so far removed from my reality that I never stopped to even consider that it was a possibility.
And still this love unraveled all of the plans I had thought were set in stone.
It seems that I had assumed I knew what was best, or rather maybe it was just that I had thought I knew what best even was. When we sit and dream of the life we anticipate living we don’t think in terms of curves; we only ever see one straight path where like the game of Life we stop to get a job, pick up a spouse, a couple kids, buy a house and before we know it we’re pulling into the retirement village content at having checked all of our boxes.
The thing is for some this is life. It’s straight and expected and they don’t wonder what the sunrise looks like over the Indian Ocean in August or what your lips might taste like at 3pm in a quiet alley in Morocco…but I do. This way of living for experiences is not better than a life that includes a four bedroom colonial but the thing is we have to stop pretending that’s the life we’re all after.
It’s fine if you dream of nothing more than working each day returning home to make dinner together and cuddle on the couch in front of the newest episodes of your favorite shows-but for those of us who are pulled by the stars and long to taste the rain of summer storms that life feels like death.
Or at least death to the souls that yearn to explore and soak up as many memories as we can in this life.
So, I can no longer pretend that I’m like everyone else; I can’t pretend that I see the world in black and white when in reality it’s luscious and colorful and feels as tantalizing as your fingertips dancing upon my tender thighs. And so life continues to unravel a million different ways along the edges of what I thought I wanted, or rather the best that I thought life held for me.
And somehow within all of this the more I tore at these edges, the more I let the brilliant scarlet strings unravel around me releasing the expectations of everyone who thought they knew me better than I knew myself, you came more into focus; into being a part of what began being built once I stopped trying to do anything more than live.
But perhaps it’s time to unravel the knots that bound us for too long together.
I could tug on the strings pulling at them with my teeth so that you might finally release your breath and exhale a million moments of doing the right thing for everyone but yourself. Maybe I could slide my pink fingernail along the tightest ones and gently caress the spot until it loosened and fell from your wings that you’ve never really let show you how far you could fly.
And sliding your tongue underneath the strings that bound my heart you could work at it until it too became unraveled and with it all the scars there would become healed to nothing more than necessary lessons of love. Or maybe you’d wrap your hands firmly around the knots that bound my voice that made it impossible to speak my truth and you’d use the force of a thousand soldiers to break them apart letting the knots hang loose dangling along the skin near my bare breasts.
Together we could unravel the last of our knots; the spots that neither of us can reach, or maybe just those areas where we doubt if we’re ready to be freed from or not.
I can’t say that it’s because I know what will happen tomorrow, but I’m also hoping that you won’t need that either because the last thing I ever want in this life is for us to become like everyone else. Just one more couple that trades in their individuality for conformity that leaves us waking up twenty years form now wondering how we got here.
But just because we don’t know what tomorrow will hold doesn’t mean that it won’t in fact be amazing.
Maybe our plan could be to simply not plan, not because it’s not you that I want waking me up with fingertips along my ribs at 4am, but rather because I know that will forever be true. See, it’s almost as if you are the constant; my north star and as long as we have one another to inspire and dream with then maybe that is the only plan that we need to make.
Life is better when it works out how it is meant to rather than how we think it should so I can’t say that I know what is meant for us in this life but I do know that together we’re going to change the world, or at least be that stone that is thrown into the pond creating ripples that forever will fan out changing the shore.
And that is all I know for certain; that I love you, I love life, and that while I may not know a lot, I do know this-that you are part of my purpose, and the stronger I inspire you to grow the more I strengthen myself, the more I love you, the more I love my own darkness, and the more I trust in you and the direction your soul guides us in, the more I trust in life and the funny way that it has of working out the very moment we think it never will.
Because what can I say except that maybe it’s time for us to unravel the last remaining knots that have held us in place for far too long, after all how will we know if we can fly, if we never actually try?